Valentine's Day Idea

Perhaps you are like millions of us lucky guys who don't have to get anything for anyone for Valentine's Day. If so, isn't it a great feeling? Valentine's Day is one of the select times out of my life when I can relish in my singleness and my lack of pointless romantic expenditures. The other was my senior high school prom, which I spent a combined total of $10 dollars on my date and I. We ate at Taco Bell, didn't get any flowers for each other, found free parking, and didn't have to pay to get in since I had paid the year before and she didn't go to my school. Man, that was awesome.

If not, you probably haven't bought that something for that special someone yet. You might haven't done it yet due to slothfulness. You were probably playing Halo 2 all that time, which is how it should be. In fact, if I were you I would dump that girl of yours and play Halo 2 all Valentine's Day, too. You might haven't done it yet due to "lack of time," but that is an obvious lie. All of us have plenty of time on our hands, and, unless your girlfriend is a complete idiot (in which case, feel free not to give her anything, as she won't notice that you are a cheapo), she will see through this excuse. Lastly, you were probably concerned about making a lasting impression and venturing away from the ennui created each year by Valentine's cards and chocolates. This concern is understandable, especially considering the fact that if you have a girlfriend then the part of your brain which would have figured out something better has melted to look like the insides of a Taco Bell bean burrito.

Well, you are in luck! I decided to save you the time and effort of coming up with The Ultimate Valentine Gift of the Year, time and effort you can instead spend on that Halo 2 I was talking about earlier. I've come up with a gift idea that is sure to win the heart of your woman and ensure hugs and kisses for you at least until this Wednesday afternoon. It's this: send your girlfriend part of your ear! That's right, fellas! This gift will cost you $0 dollars, some flesh, and a little blood, but will stick in her memory until her dying day! Never will she forget the sacrifice you made to show how deep your affection really is for her. You can even put a little note in with the package if you feel like it. Below is a sample I wrote down on a piece of paper for an example of this idea:

This technique was first employed in 1888 by Vincent Willem van Gogh. He had just concluded an argument with friend Paul Gauguin when he suffered a mental collapse and cut off part of his left ear. Later, he gave the ear fragment to a friend of his who was a prostitute. According to the Wikipedia article on van Gogh, the prostitute was simply confused, but I'm sure later she realized what a hottie van Gogh was and he totally got all the way to first base. The day after, van Gogh may have had a bandaged ear, but from the look in his eyes and the way he's puffing that pipe, you can tell that it was well worth the pain.

So, in conclusion, show how "crazy" you are for the love of your life and mail her part of your ear today!
HINT: Drain blood out of ear before mailing.

Back to the genius that are the Writings of Tito, please.