The New University

(co-invented by "Dr." C. M. Pape)

Pape, a friend of mine, and I were talking on our way back from classes last year about how much we hated certain classes that are included in our university's core curriculum. My guess is that our gripe at that particular moment was with English composition, but eventually we began to expand this complaint to encompass a broader goal. We were going to revolutionize the entire university system.

In the new school that we would start, philosophy would be thrown out the window as an actual academic discipline. All that philosophy schools are doing is wasting good money by having students pay to learn how to make up nonsense. We would keep logic, though, and probably even add it to the core curriculum. I think the whole world would benefit from a little more logic. Ethics is a different issue, however; it is pointless to teach in the classroom.

Another thing we’d get rid of would be literary criticism. Seriously, no one needs this, ever. This encompasses all world literature classes currently required for Auburn students planning on graduating with a degree. If you want to know all about some classical books, go read them for yourself. Don’t make the rest of us read The Great Gatsby just because you think F. Scott Fitzgerald’s use of color symbolism is pure brilliance.

Political science is debatable. While Dr. Pape says this should go the way of the philosophy major, I think it has value as a stepping stone to the law degree. And while we are on the subject, I think a required course in American government makes sense. Every citizen should know something about how the place runs, even if they don’t know that much.

The art requirement would go for sure. Music appreciation, art history, and appreciation of architecture would be no longer forced upon us. (You could still major in any of these disciplines; there just wouldn’t be any core requirement.) I mean, I like classical music a lot. I just don’t see how someone majoring in physical education is going to need it to do his/her job in four years. Just like literature, this is a waste of time for university students.

Sociology and anthropology will no longer be offered. No one needs sociologists or anthropologists because all they do is study the different cultures of history and the way that we develop as a human race and all this other stuff and blah blah blah blah blah.

While we are at it, I think I’ll get rid of all history requirements. People always like to say that if you don’t learn from the past, you are destined to repeat it. I like to say that a lot of people do learn about the past, and it hasn’t seemed to help much so far. The people who are in charge of what actually happens in the world don’t care about the consequences of their actions, they just do what they want.

Of course, the people in these disciplines will whine about how employers are looking for "well-rounded" students. I’m pretty sure this is a fallacy for most majors. Unless you are going into some kind of professional program, no one gives a hoot about how many semesters of world literature you had.

I’m sorry to say it, but we’ll have to keep English composition in the core curriculum. It’s just a useful skill to know how to write well. Assuming, that is, that this is what the class is about. Writing. My Honors Writing Seminar II (English Comp. II for "smart" people) was all about food, all semester, so I know a thing or two about composition classes that don’t teach composition.

Things that will obviously stay will be math, science, engineering, education, business, economics, psychology, medicine, journalism, and other majors that have obvious uses in the modern world.

I hope my world literature II professor for next semester doesn’t read this.

Back to the genius that are the Writings of Tito, please.