Konikijutufoi was only nine months
when he first showed off his skill
by using a small stick from his yard
to cut off a bully's head at will.
By age five, Konikijutufoi
had been entered in a school
for crazy go nuts ninja kids
who trained under iron rule.
The competition was intense
and students were tasked hard;
any student who failed to improve
was made to wear a leotard.
Konikijutufoi was never beaten;
his record caused a ruckus.
But no one sparred him after age 8
when he kicked the grand master's tuckus.
At age 9 he graduated
at the very top of his class.
Some newbies jumped him one day later,
but that battle was their last.
The major warlord of the day
realized the coming threat,
so he sent his most trained assassins;
Konikijutufoi's blood to let.
Of course, the assassin's mission failed,
ending with their rolling heads,
and then within a week or so
the foolish warlord wound up dead.
Once Konikijutufoi had reached
the age of only fourteen,
he legally changed his name to "Konik,"
saying, "That other name wasn't too keen."
Soon he began to organize followers
who flocked to him as their guide.
With an army compiled of ten-thousand ninjas,
Konik kicked everybody's hide.
At age eighteen after four years of fighting,
his army marched to the emperor's domain.
When Konik asked the emperor for the throne,
he smiled then calmly said "you're insane."
"I'd never give up my throne to some kid
who hasn't a political feat to his name.
If things in Japan started to fall apart
it'd be me the history books would blame."
It was at this point that Konik realized
that the grand master's motto was true,
that "some idiots in this world see not
that there's nothing a ninja won't do."
So after a pause and a small practiced smile,
Konik turned to his most trusted aide
and declared his rule of Japan with the words
"put everything here to the blade."
Konik ruled through his own martial law,
a wise but forceful leader.
Common citizens were well-defended
and ninety-four percent were readers.
While most people obeyed his harsh
civilian disarmament rules,
a few rebels fought and lost badly,
then were hanged and deemed as fools.
By by age twenty-four, Konik
had run out of exciting plans.
So he and his closest friends set out
to lay a smackdown on distant lands.
Their travels took them near and far,
from India to England and back.
As for the pirates in the Caribbean,
they weren't cut any slack.
Because one time Konik's friends and he
were sailing near the Virgin Isles,
and when they waved hello to some pirates
the pirates mooned them (as was their style.)
Well, having absolutely none of that,
Konik moved their ship next to
the pirate ship, and one-hundred pirates
had died when they were through.
Then Konik, as a national decree,
said "All pirates are a bane.
If anyone sees a pirate near
put him through remendous pain."
Once returned from his trip Konik
found a new man on the throne.
He was supposed to be a shogun
and his name was "Teliphoan."
Teliphoan was wise in that
he knew what Konik was about.
He realized his war could not be won
by trying to take Konik out.
So, when Konik had arrived,
Teliphoan offered him this choice.
"You may either serve under me
or listen to my wife's annoying voice."
Unfortunately for our hero
Teliphoan was all too smart;
his wife's invincibility and annoying voice
were triggered by a stop of his heart.
So Konik, intelligent ninja that he was,
came up with this clean solution.
He sent Teliphoan's wife to England
and made the shogun clean up pollution.
Konik, now returned in strength
set his eyes on Asia's wealth,
and sent ninjas to assassinate
all major leaders through stealth.
Once he had the continent of Asia
under his universal rule,
he ordered that all males with fighting skill
be sent to ninja training schools.
Every year the most skilled graduates
would get a private lesson with Konik
and also be allowed to lead a
ninja squadron of their pick.
And so, for forty-two years he ruled,
his steely eyes still able to sever
the heart of any weaker-minded soul.
He was the greatest ninja ever.