Bill O'Reilly

In order to create your own Bill O'Reilly, follow the instructions below.

1. Clone one (1) Judge Mathis and one (1) Jerry Springer.
2. Wait twenty-one (21) years for both to mature to adulthood.
3. Place both clones in a box.
4. Poke a hole in the the side and pump in toxic gases.
5. Seal hole.
6. Wait five-hundred (500) years.
7. Open box.

This is, in fact, how the very first Bill O'Reilly was created. Fox News executives used the time machine from the movie Paycheck to look forward into the future and see The O'Reilly Factor before they had even created it. Then, they went back in time and, using advanced genetic cloning procedures then not prohibited in the United States, cloned both Judge Greg Mathis and Jerry Springer. They next waited twenty-one (21) years for both to reach adulthood, sealed them both in a box, pumped in carbon monoxide, and buried it underneath the current site of Fox News headquarters.

When they had time-travelled forward into the day they planned to begin shooting The O'Reilly Factor, they dug up the box and opened it. Bill O'Reilly was sitting inside! His first words were, "You have just entered a no-spin zone." Up until the present day, O'Reilly has been wowing the journalistic community with his complete lack of said journalistic instincts. You want to voice your opinion on O'Reilly's show? Forget about it! O'Reilly can outyell anyone in the world except for Lil' John, and that's saying a lot.

The best part about Bill O'Reilly is his incredible ability to make you doubt whether or not he has agreed with the person he is "debating" (I use debating here in the place of "demolishing," which is more accurate). Even though Bill may seem to agree with someone, you are still left wondering if he has somehow just totally destroyed whatever point it was that they were trying to make. That's the greatness of the guy: complete confusion is his number one priority.

Quentin Tarantino, however, is one of the few people who does not like Bill O'Reilly. Something happened to Tarantino in his early childhood that made him unable to enjoy O'Reilly's cutting wit and on-the-mark truthtelling. In light of this displeasure, Tarantino has recently revealed that there will be a third installment to Kill Bill. I was lucky enough to find a top-secret photo of the movie poster online, and I've posted it below for you all to see.


Hopefully, the footage of Uma Thurman decapitating O'Reilly with that sword will be for real.

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